Which drunk are you???

Ive spent the last couple days bouncing around between two blogposts I'm in the midst of.  They've become my escape from the things I should actually be doing.  Todays little ramble shall explore the depths that is 'drunks'.  I don't care who you are or what you do, I can guarantee that someone you know, will fit into one of these little descriptions perfectly.  Actually, seeing as you know me, its a sure thing.

Now Ive been known to sink a few sav blancs and schooners in my time, I'm what they call a social drinker, I'm just a very social person.  So I am definitely not doing this in a point the finger type way, its more of a post from experience ;)

The Pretender

This is something I will never ever understand.  Its generally a female thing, a young female thing.  I'm talking the girls who have 1 light beer/lolly water/glass of bubbly and somehow, they are slurring. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU.  I mean I'm not talking about young teens who snuck a sip of something and are acting this way to appear cool, no i am talking fully grown legal drinking aged woman.  YOUR NOT IMPRESSING ANYONE. congratulations, you can get drunk and look idiotic, you are not bringing anything new to the table here.

The Crier

Again a woman issue (although I know a few boys who should take note), whats with the crying?  It's like all the alcohol they are drinking is falling out of their eyeballs.  The more they drink the more they cry.  The more they cry the more I drink, and then the less I care understand them.  And thus begins a cycle.  From my experience, the best thing you can do in this scenario, is palm them off. Anybody will do, then run. get out of their.

The Sleazeball

Two beers deep and their anybodies.  They put their arm on you that little bit too long, get in your personal space and whispers slurry shit that you cant understand and stinks of scotch.  I don't know why people seem to think they ooze sex appeal when highly intoxicated, the only thing they are generally oozing is b.o and bad breath ;) Just like the crier, your best bet is to palm their affections onto some other sucker and get out of their.  Also, never be alone, you become prime sleazeball target.

The Phone Abusers

A personal decision iv always made is to leave my phone alone when drinking.  With today's smart phones their is just far to much temptation to make a complete arse of yourself.  People, for the love of god, put your phones away when consuming alcohol, it isn't going to end well. The folowing are the outcomes you will most likely incur:

• Horrible photos uploaded on social networks
• Regretted messages sent to ex girlfriends/boyfriends
• Dialling anyone who will answer
• Going on a commenting spree on facebook
• Mispelt and typically embarrassing messages to your entire phonebook

The 'I'm going to kick every bodies arse' guy

This actually could very well apply to girls.  I don't know what it is but certain people just drink and then evolve into Mike Tyson, minus the ability to actually fight.  They don't need a reason, heck their victim doesn't even need to be a person, a good telegraph post is generally fine.  I will never understand this type of drunk, why would you want to ruin your  fun? Non the less I can guarantee you there will always be a person in every social mix who drinks a few to many, and wants to fight his own brother for sharing the same mother.

The Pass Out Guy

I'm going to admit, I'm guilty here.  I can give this description to a tee.  There one minute, gone the next.  Its like I just have enough and pass out in the foetal position go to bed.  The typical pass out offender never says goodbye, just slips away and that the end.  They have no recollection of said event, nor of the hours leading up to it.  oops ;)

The person who wants you to drink like its an Olympic sport

I HATE these people.  Here's the scene:

Idiot: DO A SHOT
Me: Does Shot
Idiot: DO ANOTHER
Me: yeah probably wont.
Idiot: Aw your soft, your a girl.

For the love of god, you are not some sort of drinking god, and I do not have to drink to your standard.  Also, if I don't drink ridiculous amounts of your shit tasting cheap spirits, I am not 'soft' so stfu. -_-

The Story Teller

Aaaah the story teller. Old relatives are particulary good for this one, but I have several young people who are severe offenders.  They've had a few beverages, and suddenly, there entire life story is presented on a platter.  And don't you even think you have a story that is even remotely as good/sad/emotional/interesting/worth listening to; they are the ultimate human being.

The absolute worse, the character to round out my post,

The I don't know when enough is enough

Ahhh deary. Its 3am , the post party after party is done, theirs people passed out, people have gone home, the musics off.  But theres always one hanging on.  One who just doesn't want the sun to rise, doesn't want see the end of the evening, just wants to pump out one more sloppy rendition of khe sahn.  They cant stand, cant speak and are having trouble functioning.  They try to convince anybody, including children and the elderly, that the party's not over. GO TO BED!!

And thats pretty much it.

If you found yourself relating, maybe slow up on the ol juice?? ;) 

A
x

Eleven Question Tag

I was tagged by the very clever and beautiful abelia at abeliascorner.blogspot.com.au .  I recommend you guys check her out, she is such a clever little thing :)

The rules:

• Each person must post 11 things about themselves on their own blog
• Answer the questions the tagger has sent you, as well as create 11 new questions for your 'taggers' to answer
• Choose 11 people to tag and link them in your post

My eleven facts :)

1. I am one of six siblings
2. I am obsessed with all things 1980's
3. I have a sick obsession with Dawson's Creek
4. I think Ben Affleck is the sexiest man alive
5. I loved my boyfriend long before he was my boyfriend
6. I suffer anxiety attacks regularly :(
7. I haven't come across a fruit or vegetable I don't eat
8. My favourite colour is blue, because that is the colour of scissors I was given to use in first grade :)
9. I can spend hours looking at recipes on line and thoroughly enjoy grocery shopping
10. I wish I lived in England, they have amazing cosmetics, and soooo much more affordable then here. :(

So now to the questions Abelia put forward.

1. If you had to lose an arm or a leg, which one would you cope best without?  One arm.  Having one leg I think would take away so much more of my Independence, and I'm a pretty independant person.

2. If you had to get a tattoo/new tattoo, what would you get and where would it be?  My siblings names on my ribs, I've wanted it for the longest time.

3. Do you prefer clubbing or going to gigs? Definitely going to gigs. 

4. Do you prefer things that fly or things that swim?  Things that swim.. At least I'm safe from them on land :)

5. What is your favourite perfume? YSL Young Sexy Love.  It is soo hard to find, but so delish.

6. If Internet and computers didn't exist, what would you do on a normal day?  Hmm, my initial thought was study, but that would involve computers.  Probably read, clean and play with makeup haha.

7. Who is your favourite Disney character? Belle. She is just so beautiful, and can pull of yellow.

8. How long have you gone without shaving your armpits - be honest now! haha  hahahahaha This is the best question, I actually looked at them in this mornings shower and went hmm probably should, then just didn't.  Must be getting close to a week or two now. hahaha.  During winter we could go 2-3 hahaha

9. If there is one body part you could change, what would it be and why?  Definitely my legs.  I want them longer damn it.

10. What is your favourite song of the last week?  Cigarette - Illy. Ive recently re-discovered my love for Australian Hip Hop. The lyrics always tell such amazing and relatable stories.

11. When was the last time you laughed so hard you cried, and what at?  Haha me and my boyfriend do this on a regular occurrence.  He truly is the funniest person Ive ever known. 

My 11 questions are

1. If you could be told the date you will die, would you want to know?
2. What is the one cosmetic item that you could not live without?
3. What is the one thing you wish you could have known 5 years ago, that you know today?
4. Do you prefer bold eyes or bold lips?
5. Do you prefer water or land activities?
6. How much time per week do you spend on line?
7. What cell phone do you own?
8. Who is your favourite band?
9. Neutrals or brights?
10. Who would you love to change lives with for one day and why?

I tag

• Florence at http://themusingsofflorence.blogspot.com.au/
• Kristy at http://summerxmermaids.blogspot.com.au/
• aurora at http://auroraxo.blogspot.com.au/
• sophie at http://asablondesophie91.blogspot.com.au/
• http://andreainglisxx.blogspot.com.au/

I'm only going to tag 5 because I'm on my phone and it's really painful ha ha

Happy Blogging

A
X

Things my mumma taught me ;)

Whilst having a little shop the other day and judging everyone around me to use in a blog post, I came across a book titled "Things my Mother taught me".  I assume it was being sold for mothers day, although seeing as that's been and gone it clearly wasn't a top seller ;) Needles to say, I picked up the cute little pastel hard copy and had a flick.  Just as I expected, filled to the brim with cute little lovey dovey cheese ball quotes about how mum "taught me to always have self-belief" and to "always love myself"" and their apparent stab at humour with "to never mix up plain and self raising, its always a mess" UH YEAH OK. I don't know about you, but if I had to write a book of things my mother taught me, of the lessons she gave me that really stuck, they certainly wouldn't be cheese ball moosh stories.  In fact I don't think they would even be allowed to be published, lucky for blogs huh ;)

BTW don't get me wrong, my mum certainly was an advocate for the emotional, just watch a Rom-com/listen to Micheal Jackson/wait for the sorbent add  in her presence ;) But I thought, today's blog would be dedicated to my mum, and all the mums out there, and all the wonderful things she taught me.

You will never understand until you have kids of your own.
Alas, I do not have children, what I do have is a boyfriend, and well that's close enough really.  Every day in my domestic duties I have a new little "ahhh that's why she was always losing the plot" moment.  For instance, I now understand her need for clothes to be packed away.  As a teenager I was an avid 'floordrobe' user.  I never understood the issue. I didn't until I washed the same CLEAN pair of darling boyfriends jeans in one week, because they kept getting tossed out with the dirty shit on the floor.
Another little epiphany came when I learnt to appreciate a made bed.  It makes the whole room appear neater, its nicer to get into at night, and its just generally the right thing to do.  My excuse as a teenager, the good ol "I'm just going to sleep in it again tonight".  My boyfriend gave me that excuse the other day to which I replied, well you better not wipe your arse next time you shit cause I guarantee that'll happen again.

Lesson Learnt: Mum was right

Another important thing i learnt from my mum was the ability to very quickly analyse a person and make a judgement.  I mean this in the best way possible, I can very quickly gauge a person.  Whether this came about as a result of sitting in the Woolworth's car park constructing the life story of those around us, "That is definitely their second marriage, half the kids have red hair", or our love for a good gasbag, it is a skill I am so glad I learnt.

Lesson Learnt: Judging a book by its cover is OK, if the cover is so very clearly published.

 My mother has taught me many a drinking lesson. 

• Never proclaim you are giving up after a rough night, it'll only lead to embarrassment when you are 3 schooners deep that arvo
• Always have something to move onto once beer/wine gets to yuck
• if you've managed to wake up in matching PJ's, you probably did alright
• It is perfectly acceptable to drink at small social gatherings, including, but not limited to; baby showers, first birthdays, local footy games, televised footy games, someones in town for the weekend, because you have the day off tomorrow, because its the last day of the weekend. etc etc.

The list goes on and on.

Lesson Learnt: Mummy knows best

To round out this post, here's a quick few I keep in the memory bank:

• White pants are never a good idea
• If your going to wear control/suck-in stuff under an outfit, be prepared to take it off
• Fast forwarding to the end of Conair and having a cry is perfectly acceptable
• The simplest way to cook something is best
• Karma is very real, be mindful of that

You see I think the practicality of the lessons my mother taught me is far more important then any pastel coloured book can begin to describe.  Sure, sugaring things up is always fun, but life sure ain't sugared up, thus I'm glad my mum taught me so many valuable and real lessons

A
x

The best kinds of people ;)

If youve read my blog you already know that a title like that, will not be followed by a nice fluffy post about good people.  But rather, a little rant about quite the opposite ;)

Wandering around a local shopping place this past week, I decided another rant blog was most definitely required.  For the love of all things holy, WHYYYY are some people allowed in public?  Public indecency laws should also include people who have hair extensions that are so thin, they could be mistaken for a piece of thread caught in the woman's horrid over processed main. ergh ><

My day was going along just fine, a morning of media assignments, cleaning duties done, and the boy returned home from work, and thus a late lunch date was on the cards.  Why did I expose my eyes to such horror :O SO I though I would write a little message, that I would pass onto these people, should I ever have the chance.  Here we go:

Dear woman with acrylic nails, hair extensions and a screaming child with a dirty face, clothes and no shoes.  I have no issue with you spending your welfare cheques on making yourself beautiful, nor do I have an issue with the government helping you out while you spend valuable time raising your child, BUT WHEN YOU ARE DOING NEITHER, then the issue rises.  Take that 55 dollars you've blown on your 'far-to-long-to-be-a-mum" nails, and buy your kids some shoes.  And while your at it, wipe your child's face, preferably with your horse hair, barely there extensions, it'll solve 2 issues.

Dear group of teenage girls slapping on a face of makeup "testers".  Firstly, hahahahahahahahahaha, if only you had worked in the cosmetic retail industry and seen where those testers go at times.  Under cabinets, swatches by 100s of people, exposed to all kinds of bacterias. THAT'S WHY YOU ARE ONLY MEANT TO SWATCH THEM !! YUK. Secondly, when I go to swatch a product I genuinely want to purchase and its broken/ empty/covered in your greasy hormonal skin, we've got an issue.  For god sake, not only do you look like an absolute idiot, you are blocking up the beauty aisle and giving me a headache with your high pitched shit talk. There is no way in hell you are going to spend 30 dollars on that Revlon lipstick,  GO HOME!

Dear group of teenage boys riding your bikes in the middle of the walkway. Firstly, TURN YOUR MOBILE PHONE MUSIC PLAYER OFF! Listening to some shit rap music does not make you appear hip.  It makes me want to kick you, hard.  Congratulations! You, like 99% of the population, can both ride a bike, and listen to music.  Impressive stuff ;)

PS. pull your pants up

Dear cashier who decided that it only takes three words to communicate a transaction.  I understand that by 4pm you are sick to death of people and being fake happy, BUT HARDEN UP CUPCAKE!.  Say hello, smile, fake some sort of conversation, and ill be out of your way.  You did understand a customer service job involved service of customers? If you want to be able to keep that addiction to black eyeliner and fake orange streaky tan you appear to have, you might wanna lift your game.

Furthermore, there is also a universal set of issues I have with shopping centres.  For instance, why when you just want to browse do you get 7000 sales people asking you questions, but when you need someone there isn't anyone in sight ?

Why do the slowest walkers always walk in the middle of the walkway?

Why do people feel the need to make out on escalators?

Why do people eat greasy food and shop at the same time? YOUR PUTTING GREASE ON EVERYTHING!

There are so many things that make me cringe in shopping centres.  I could honestly post for days.

In fact, I feel as though this could be a re-occurring topic. "Stupid shit I saw shopping this week" ;)

A
X

Internet Ettiquette: Are you an offender?

This was actually one of the very first posts I was going to write.  If you know me in real life you know that I'm not exactly scared of giving a person my honest opinion.  Don't get me wrong I'm not rude, but if your arse does look big in those jeans, then I will probably let you know. 

The absolute rubbish that people carry on with on the internet is probably the biggest pet peeve I have, it really does grind my gears.  And of course with a spike in the popularity of social media, comes a spike in complete dickheads people carrying on like numbats.

You will all be able to relate, I am absolutley sure of it, and thus I present to you, in no particular order:

MY TOP FIVE INTERNET NO NO'S

5. The status update abuser

8.30am: Frank is eating breakfast
8.45am: Frank is hating the weather right now
9.25am: Frank is wishing he was at home
10.00am: Frank is hungry for lunch

And thus continues a day of non stop, newfeed abuse.  NO BODY GIVES A SHIT!!  I don't care for your days itinery,I came on here to stalk my ex's new girlfriend, not look at your 9000 statuses of utter crap. 

Moral of the story; update your status only when you have groundbreaking news, no more then thrice daily :)

4. People who talk like their fingers are mashing the keyboard

"Hae baybiie gurrrll, whaddup bubzz?" < WHAT THE HELL IS THAT SHIT????

I find this is most popular among girls, mostly aged 13-17.  I don't understand it.  Writing that sentence I had to stop and think about a way to reinvent the words I was using, to make me apear a total uneducated douchebag hipster.  Its not faster, its not easier to understand, and you look like a total toolbag. 

Moral of the story: If you are writing like that, hit yourself in the face with a dictionary, take a wiriting class and drink a mouthful of metho.  Youll get yourself a fair idea of correct grammer, and youll probly pass out for a day, leaving the internet free of your utter nonsense.

3. Attention seeking status makers

Number 3 again invloves a similar group of utter idiots from number 4, although I have witnessed this occuring from people much older.  This look familiar?

"Like my status for a to be honest comment"  or  "Like my status for hotttest girls on facebook"

REALLY???? HONESTLY?? you arn't even the tiniest bit embarrassed by posting shit like that?
Embarassment aside YOU LOOK LIKE A TOTAL SPAZZBOT !!  People are only liking your status because they to are looking for an ego boost, they dont like you. 

Like that alone isnt bad enough, this then snowballs into my newsfeed being FILLED with all this "to be honest" crap. and about 99% of them are exactly the same:
"To be honest you really nice/pretty, but we dont talk" :/ THATS BECAUSE YOUR A TOTAL FRUITBAT WHO ABUSES SOCIAL NETWORKING AND NEEDS TO GO TAKE A LONG LOOK IN A MIRROR!

Moral of the story: Their isnt one, if you are doing this you are well beyond my help.

2. Unnesassarily tagging

This issue branches into 2 catagories really.  Firstly you have the people who upload a photo of themselves looking smashing hot.  They obviously think its a marvellous shot of themselves and want to share it with the world.  You get a notification "Frank has tagged you in a photo" ooooh yay.
WHAT THE BLOODY HELL? WHYYYYYYY?
You see theirs frank, duckface on, good angle, looking every bit facebook fantastic.  And theirs you, you didnt see the camera, you appear to have grown a double chin and somehow, unbeknown to you, youve sweat delicious patches under your arms. CHEERS MATE!

The second part of this issue deals with people who tag you in shit thats not even you.  Dumb sayings, luvvo pics of themselves, shoes, event posters, the list goes on. STOP!  Do I look like a neon blue nike air? If you read my blog then you would know that that is deffiently not me, NEON IS AWFUL -_-.

Moral of the story:  If I look like frankensteins bride, or you could be mistaking me for a piece of footwear, better not tag me ;)

NUMBER 1

Their was absolutly no doubt what this was going to be. LUVVOS.
Ah the humble selfy.  Its been around for so long I almost feel bad, its like picking on somebodies nanna.  Non the less, selfies are without a doubt the biggest abuse of the internet known to man. 

Now a quick disclaimer: A couple snaps of yourself is perfectly acceptable. :)

Im talking serial offenders who upload albums titled "HOLIDAYS", only to fill it with one armed snaps of themselves.  Or "NEW HAIR", followed by 103 pics of them and their 2cm trim.  Another favourite method of selfy is the "take a snap with a 3 year old/puppy/new object" even though its clearly taken to flaunt oneself. 

Furthmore, photoshopping said self portraits is really the pinnacle of it all.  So many people I see in real life look absolutly NOTHING like their uploaded snaps.

Moral of the story: Get out of your bedroom and live a little :)

I could honestly go on for pages, however for the sake of your sanity ill stop here, and leave you with

Highly commended mentions to:
The game invite pest: no i do not want to water your corn/pat you turtle/dance with your grandma.
The event inviter: not really interested in an event 678903 people are invited to in in Spain, but cheers.
The pretend user name: Your name is Bob Marley, not "Bobbbii ilovechristyalways Nevermind", if its not on your birth certificate, dont bother.
The oversharer: "Today i got my period, is it meant to be this painful" Argh glorious :)
The "love" obsessed 13 year old: LOVE MY BOY ALWAYSS FOREVER SOULMATE. ahh deary. its even better when its written as per point 4.

And thats about it really.

If you found yourself reading through any of this and thinking "thats not that bad" or "I do that" then honestly, let me know.  I will proceed to spend the day talking to you in babble bullshit, showing you photo after photo of my glamourous self, whilst you have to look like a wet fish, I will give you an update of my every move annnnnnd i will cap the day off by telling you what i "honestly" think of 70 of my facebook friends. ;)

Until next time
A
x

Note: Bloggers spellcheck wont work for me, sooo if you come across any probs, just pretend their right. Think of it like a game of wheres wally ;)

SECRETS :)

Having a sick addiction to all things beauty does not come at a small price. Suddenly, you find yourself debating whether 30 dollars really is acceptable for a 4g eyeshadow (oops).  If like me you find yourself searching the net and flipping through magazines in search of clever little time and money savers then this is the post for you.  If you don't, i look like an idiot then hopefully you will find this helpeful, or at the least feel sorry for me and read it out of pity ;)  

All the tricks I provide are not necessarily revolutionary, heck most are probably more boring then teenage sales assistants.  I am not medically qualified and all my advice is based on personal experience and research.  But, alas, i give you my very own collection of secret tricks:

OH NO MY ACNE!!
ASPIRIN MASKS
Having suffered, and still very much suffering acne, for the past 6+ years I can tell you now I could probably rate and review every face product on the market.  I'm not talking a few breakouts, no my face resembles a surface similar to the moon.  Personal gripe aside, aspirin is a great, cheap and readily available product to treat acne.  Simply take several regular aspirins (6 or so), crush them up, add a little water and a teeny bit of honey, and your good.  The end result should have a pasty consistency.  Depending on your skin type, you can either spot treat, or just use as a total face mask, as I, Luna face do.  Leave it to dry, and rinse thoroughly.

 WHY IT WORKS!

Aspirin’s base is acetasalicylic acid, which is chemically like salicylic acid, a very potent BHA (beta hydroxy acid)  Salicylic acid is such a wonderful and beneficial topical ingredient to help acne skin.
Little warning, its harsh, so test it on your problem areas first and expect tingly tightness.

OOPS, IVE DIED MY HAIR WAYYYY TO DARK!!
DANDRUFF SHAMPOO
Its happened to me soooooo many times.  "oooh that's such a nice chocolate brown", "ooh blue black, how edgy"  HOLY SHIT I LOOK LIKE MARILYN MANSON!!!
Made to strip the scalp of buildup and deeply clean and clarify hair, dandruff shampoo is the perfect way to remove excess colour build up.  The sooner you can get it in post dying, the better.  However even a week or so after a colouring, a thorough wash with dandruff shampoo will remove colour buildup.  It wont reverse the process entirely, but you will no longer resemble a goth. ;)

I COULD PROBABLY DEEP FRY A FISH IN MY HAIR :/
BABY POWDER
I know dry shampoos are all the rage, my honestly its just like cornflour in an aerosol.  Actually, cheaper, although nastier then baby powder, corn flour actually does do the trick.  The only problem that occurs with using powder as opposed to the purpose made sprays, is the residue.  8/10 dry shampoos I'v tried on my dark mane leave residue anyway. So honestly its a much smaller price for a similar result.  Just sprinkle a small amount around your hairline and brush it through, it'll absorb the excess oils.  Id recommend wearing your hair up, as a grey tinge could occur.  However id rather be grey then greasy.

MY LIPS ARE FALLING OFF MY FACE
BROWN SUGAR & VASELINE
Dry, cracked lips; lets face it not only do they hurt but they look awful.  If like me winter spells the start of windburn, cracked lips and all thing attractive then i have the tip for you.  Whilst passing by an over price shop of body products the other day, i noticed a little jar labelled lip scrub.  Whilst a great concept, delicious smell, and I'm sure divine product sat on the shelf, underneath this little pot of sugary goodness sat a price tag reading $14.95. WHAT! Brown sugar and or white sugar, a little Vaseline and you can knock yourself up enough "lip scrub" to last a lifetime.  Simply coat your lips in vaso, stick some sugar to it and rub our lips together.  You can then wipe it off or eat it, but i mean, that's dead skin dude :/

So to round out this giant post that I hope helps at least one reader here are 5 quick tips, for those who are time poor, or just got sick of my rambling 3 paragraphs ago:

• Spray your bobby pins with hairspray, it helps with the hold
• Add some sugar to your favourite body wash, instant exfoliate
• Add a cup or more milk to your bath, the lactic acid is a great deep cleanser
• Warm a little olive oil and use it as a treatment for the ends of your hair
• Rub Vaseline on your hairline and neck when you dye it, it ll protect your skin from stains.

I LOVE sharing stuff like this, hopefully its helpful :)

A
x

NOTE: All images were found on Google, and are simply for visual aid.  I am not endorsing specific brands, nor am I claiming any of the images to be mine.

  

WHY DO GIRLS WEAR THAT ???

Now that formalities have taken place, it is time for my first 'real' post. Today's topic of discussion; WHY DO GIRLS WEAR THAT ??? :/

I'm not going to sit here and pretend I haven't participated in some horrid trends in my time ( hair mascara? ), but honestly at 12 years old you can be excused. No no I'm talking about full grown women. Women old enough to know better, old enough to buy their own clothes and old enough to LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

Lets begin:

1. WHITE TIGHTS ahhhhhhh. There is not a woman on earth (not even Miranda Kerr) that can pull this look off. They get grubby, transparent, and worstly ( is that a word?), they highlight every single flaw like a giant neon lit billboard. If you must wear these bad boys, pleeeeeaaaassseee wear something on your top half that covers your rear end.

2. NEON. Unless you are exercising, because we could all do with a little (or a lot) of colour in our worlds during that torture, or you are filming a pop video clip in the 80s, then there is absolutely no need to wear something so bright it looks like you've gone and slaughtered a glow stick, then proceed to pour said glow stick over ones body.  You look like a giant tacky tack ball, and furthermore, after 2 washes, your clothes are not even neon anymore, their just shit faded out crap.

3. SKIN COLOURED LIP COLOUR. No I do not mean nude lipsticks, which by all means I condone, no I mean slapping foundation/concealer all over your lips and blending them into skin colour, or worse, lighter. ARE YOU AWARE YOU LOOK LIKE A CORPSE??? I don't know which 'fashionista' started this trend, but seeing girls in clubs with eyes like panda bears and lips like a zombie bride often makes me fear for my generation. As if the colour isn't bad enough, their lips do this cracked, flaky falling off thing from the dryness of FRIGGING CONCEALER ON THEIR LIPS.  Do the world a favour, STOP!

4. WEATHER CONFLICTING OUTFITS.  Let me set the scene for you, its 5pm, its cold, you've ducked down to the local supermarket, your feeling mighty fashion forward in your trackies and vans.  You spot a young girl looking at fruit, gee how is she wearing denim shorts and a singlet in this cold weather? you ask yourself. WAIT A MINUTE!! she has a frigging scarf and uggboots on, shes obviously fine.  NO!, NO NO NO.  Honestly, wearing the skimpiest outfit you own and slapping a 5 dollar cotton on scarf on is not an acceptable winter outfit.  Similarly, I do not want to see you dressed for the alpine, with a pair of havianas on your feet.  Dear teenage girls; boys wont think less of you because your warm ;)

5. TRENDS YOU JUST WEREN'T "BUILT" FOR. This is by far my favourite.  It is the worst.  You know when your flicking through a magazine, and there stands a 6ft amazonian princess of a model, dressed in leather shorts and a fringed crop top because that is this summers "latest trend", and you think wow, she looks great. STOP. Think long and hard.  When you're imagining yourself are you remembering to photo shop the rest of your body into the picture?  I'm all for embracing ones body, heck I'm no beanpole that's for sure, but sometimes a little self honesty is required.  Will I look cute? or will my leather covered behind resemble a jersey cow? :/

The moral of all my rambling here ladies really is just embrace yourself, look twice in the mirror, and dress to suit you. Just follow my tips and you'll never look like a cellulite ridden-glow stick eating-zombie bride-weather confused-baby heffa again.

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